have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
