I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
