Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
