Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
