Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
