so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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