from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
