my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
