I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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