He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
whose parrot is this?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
