WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Randomize
