the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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