I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
