I skipped work to stalk him.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
