Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
