how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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