The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
