the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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