i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
