So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
