Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just pee around me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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