There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
