Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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