It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
