My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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