i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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