Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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