Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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