Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
