All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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