remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
