How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
