dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
