: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
