around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
