I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
