Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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