Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
