I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
