Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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