Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
