Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i need some magic done to my vagina
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