Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
