I wish I only lived at night.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
