as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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