I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
