if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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