The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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