do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
