I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I love how my cats smell like pot.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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